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The Mirror (Sunday November 28, 1999) Pah. I'ad spoken to Arsène and Manu Petit, my great friends from Monaco, and they 'ad warned me about the English media. Now for sure I know what they mean. What you read in the papers here is how you say pants. Except for The Observer, naturellement. I am happy to take their money. I mean, happy that they give me the opportunity to put my side of the story. You may read in other places so-called interviews with me but here is the only authentic version. It 'appen like this. I come to this country about two weeks ago to see two great friends from Monaco, who are now on the coaching staff of one of your Premiership teams. It was to see them play a Uefa Cup tie. While I was 'ere, to see more of what you call your septicisle, I wanted also to speak to Arsène and Gérard Houllier about maybe moving to England because at the end of the season I am, as we say in France, on a Bosman. This I tell to some pretty girl at the club offices and they 'ave many. But someone with ears like your Prince Charles has been listening also and they have told this scandal to the News of the World, one of your periodicals. The next I know I am going to Liverpool for £3.5 million. This is ridiculous. I cost much less than this. Even though I have won the World Cup, taking Frank Leboeuf's place in the final after 'e bruised badly his ego in the pre-match press conference when L'Equipe wanted only to speak with Zinedine and Marcel, I was available for £2 million at the most with only six months left on my contract. Arsène was very good to me. We spoke at his home in 'Artfordshire and he showed me a lot of respect, turning down the volume as 'e watched a video of Grampus 8 v Shimizu S-Pulse. 'I am worried, Arsène, ' I say. 'I could join Arsenal but it would be too easy for me. You 'ave great players. But I want to play with not such great players.' 'Didier,' Arsène say, 'I know just the club for you in the Midlands.' It is amazing how is better his English accent since those salade niçoise days in the South of France. Gerard also encouraged me. `I would like Liverpool for the 'istory, but not for the winter,' I say to him as we feast on chips and fish in Albert Camus Dock. `But 250,000 francs a week would 'elp. By the way, are the girls pretty in Liverpool?' 'Didier,' say Gérard, 'I know just the club for you in the Midlands.' The great minds think alike so now I am in a pretty city in the Midlands (ses Àeglises, son multiplex). It is always good to go where you are wanted. This club need me immediately and they pay the funny money. 'A club in panic,' say the periodicals but I do not see this. The plot thickens, as I think you say. Arsène was right. I have a challenge ahead and I'll play in the Uefa Cup last 16. GÀerard was right. The girls are pretty 'ere, especially the chairman's wife, but do not tell this to the News of the World. Call me old-fashioned, but these things matter for someone to whom football is art not Monet. Now 'ome is where the art is and 'ome is to be in England. I live the Dream Team. `I don't know why but I love you,' I tell the fans on the balcony of the town 'all. Already I 'ave been advised how to speak better to the press after this week of the porky pies. I 'ave been repeating after the manager: 'I did not see the incident,' ' I was going for the ball,' and `I am becoming seriously concerned with the decline in refereeing standards in this country. We used to be able to 'ave a laugh with them.' 'E tell me also that all this attention is flattery that the press do not write about people who are nobody. 'E is right. Now I think about it, we 'ave an expression in my country: `When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown.' Put that in your paper, huh? *Didier Baptiste, who , we can exclusively reveal, will sign this week for FA Cup holders Harchester United, was talking to Ian Ridley, who as well as being an Observer columnist is a scriptwriter with `Dream Team' and wrote the recent episode that introduced the Frenchman to the English footballing press. 'Dream Team' can be seen on Sky One, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6.30pm, repeated at 11pm. Omnibus edition, Sunday 10am. |