So tell me again, what happens if the player is level with the last defender instead of being behind? I am sitting in a north London bar explaining to Nina Muschallik, the pulse-ragingly beautiful actress from Sky One's football soap Dream Team, how the offside rule works. With only two wine glasses and an ashtray to maneuver, the task isn't simple, but Nina appears to be very grateful.
'I think that's the first time anyone has ever explained it to me so that I understand it. I secretly think that most blokes haven't actually got a clue, because every time I ask them what it is they start explaining and get dead flustered and start saying that I'd never understand it anyway.'
It's all part of the service, Nina. Thought to be honest, after three series of playing Harchester United's off-field worker Nikki Peggs in Dream Team, we would have thought you might know already.
Born 26 summers ago in High Wycombe, Nina is the middle child of three sisters who went through the classic route of playground show-off who excels at singing, dancing and ballet, gets a place in drama school, then appears in a woeful kids TV show at 13, before getting her big breaks with small roles in The World Is Not Enough and Saving Private Ryan.
You may well recognise her from the memorable 'slag of all snacks' Pot noodle advert, but it is as the loyal, hard working, victim character of Nikki in Dream Team where she has really established herself, and her groin-throbbingly ravishing figure, with a pathetically grateful audience. Her acting has taken her as far afield as Zimbabwe and Bulgaria but, as we are about to find out, Nina is no champers quaffing prima donna from the 'don't you know who I am?' school. After the formalities of the offside rule are dispensed with, it's time to get down to the gossip.
So, has your role as on-screen footy nut endeared you to the attention of any real footballers?
No, it really hasn't. Though when I was 18 and working as a sexy maid on a TV show called The Geeks, I did get one guy, what's his name...? Dean Holdsworth, who cornered me in a bar and got quite sleazy. Before he left he said to me that any time I wanted to come and watch him play he could get me free tickets. I think he was playing for Wimbledon at the time so it wasn't the most exciting offer I've ever had. Plus, he was married with kids.
You mean you wouldn't swap the Met Bar for Selhurst Park in a flash?
Would you?
Depends if I'd had a lobotomy or not. Anyway, tell me about your time at drama school. I hear you were in the same class as Kate Winslet. Did you two ever sneak off for a shady Silk Cut or Bacardi Breezer?
Oh no, Kate would never have done anything like that. We were all quite pretentious stage-school brats at times, but Kate was so much more mature than us. She would always be the first one to arrive in the morning and the last one to go home. She was always the one who would stay late, putting the finishing touches to any production we would have on.
She sounds like a right swot.
She was! They made her Head Girl, but it paid off, didn't it. She was so good at everything in the shows we put on. Not like me - I was a terrible singer so in all the shows they had to give me the part where there was the most acting and the least singing.
Having a crap voice doesn't mean you can't have a singing career. Look at Geri Halliwell...
Hey, come on, I didn't say I was as bad as that! I've got a deep husky kind of voice, so as a singer I'd have to do something to flatter that.
Well, Barry White is dead, there's a gap in the market there.
I'm not big enough to fill his gap! Even two of me wouldn't be enough!
And long may it stay that way. So where did you go to get your teenage kicks?
We used to go to this little graveyard in Windsor when we were 13 and get hammered on about two Diamond Whites, then be sick everywhere by the third. We used to take a load of Nurofen with the booze because we thought that would get us pissed quicker. I still love drinking now. I adore wine. When I get drunk now they call me Sid James, because my laugh is so dirty.
Would you have liked to play the Babs Windsor role in the Carry On films, with the snapping Bra and everything?
Well, I've taken my bra off enough in the past few days, so it wouldn't be a huge shock!
Yes, let's move onto the famous Pot Noodle adverts. If you're happy to advertise Pot Noodle, would you also consider offers from pork scratching's or sausage roll companies?
Oh, of course I would. The Pot Noodle ad really wasn't embarrassing at all because it was so honest and funny. What was far worse was when I went to do an audition for an advert for holiday insurance where I had to dress up in a bikini in this huge studio and I had to run across a huge room screaming and shouting as fast as I could. I really went for it and ran across the room towards the directors who were all looking really pleased with me. One of them said that I was really great, but could I please tuck myself in now. I looked down and my boobs had escaped from my bikini top and were on full display for everyone to see. It worked a treat though, I got the job!
You don't surprise me at all. Anyway, an important football question: In your eyes, are guys who go out to pubs and bars in football shirts loyal supporters, or just sad wankers who exchanged their life for football?
Well, if I saw a guy who I found attractive and I saw he was wearing a football shirt, I'd take that as a bad sign. It's just not very sexy is it? I just think, come on your not nine-years-old any more, get out of the footy shirt and into something nice that isn't made of polyester. Though having said that, I think blokes who don't like football are a bit strange.
So apart from not wearing a football shirt what does a boy have to do to get your attention?
It has to be someone who is funny, enthusiastic about things and knows what he wants from life. I'm not attracted to stuck-up types who just want to talk about their careers and things.
Why do you live in Primrose Hill then? (poncey suburb of north London)
Good point! Well, there are some good yoga clubs here that I like. I've always been quite bendy and I like to be able to be as flexible as possible and put my legs behind my head and whatever. I'm sure you can imagine the many advantages of that!
I'm sure we all could. So what kind of reactions do you normally get from blokes?
Oh, it's so pathetic most of the time. I get nobody coming up and talking with me face-to-face. It's always wolf whistles after I've walked past, or cries of 'that's the best arse I've seen for a long time baby'. So boring, really.
So how would a reader know when you were interested in him?
Well, a lot of eye contact, a cheeky smile. I'd let them know if the chemistry was working. If I want someone, I've got to have him. There's no way I'll let him go.
Tell us a juicy story from the set of the Bond film.
Well, Goldie (who played the baddie) was terrible, because every time my scene was about to begin )Nina played a hooker eating caviar with Robbie Coltrane) he would whisper filthy jokes about arse's and tits in my ear and put me off. I was so terrified anyway about the whole situation that I couldn't get my revenge and put him off one of his scenes.
So who is your favourite Bond?
Pierce - he's a wonderful man and so down to earth with everyone. You almost think he is a normal person until a helicopter flies onto the set bringing his wife and kids to visit him. But I would've fancied any of the Bonds in their prime.
Even George Lazenby?
All right, maybe not him. I can see why they didn't hire him again. Not much sex appeal there.
Okay, so you never fancied Lazenby, but did you have any embarrassing crushes on anyone when you were younger?
When we were in primary school there was a boy called Jonathon Axworthy, who all the girls fancied. He'd always initiate kiss-chase games but he never asked me to play. I used to get really distraught about that.
Don't get jealous. He's probably 20st and impotent now. Tell me how you coped with our tropical summer in London.
Well, my dad bought a new boat so I did a lot of sunbathing along the Thames. My sister told me about the ladies-only lido on Hampstead Health where you can get naked. There's lots of lesbians there but if that doesn't put you off, then it's fine.
Would that put you off?
Not at all. The lesbians are usually so into each other they'd just ignore me. Or that's what my sister said would happen!
If you ever go there, do let us know what happens. So if a fella only had a tenner and somehow wrangled a date with you, where would you expect him to take you?
How much does it cost to get into Alton Towers?
You can't afford that.
Oh well, in that case I guess we'd just have to go to my bedroom!
For only a tenner!?
Oh, you've tricked me there! I assure you nobody gets me that cheap.
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